Live by the sword, die upon my sword
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Birdy's LiveJournal:
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| Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 | | 2:39 am |
It seems like every day's the same
Well, it's been a long time, huh? And things never change for me... I went through a spree of "ZOMG! APPLY HERE!" in the fall, and then paused for winter... Next Monday, I'll go out once again and go through the process once more.. I truely am tired of not working... I'm also tired of being alone.. Tired of living in this house (especially my closet of a room)... Yet... Even if I do work.. I just can't bring myself to leave my parents alone.. They worry me with their medical problems.. But how is it my job to take care of 'em, right? *sighs* I wish I could be that cold-hearted about it... But I'm too worried about them... Like I said, I'm tired of being alone.. I know, a worn out thought process for me.. Honestly? I was fine before Her.. You know that, right? Before Emily, I didn't really care if I was in a relationship or not.. What was it about that girl? Why was it her that broke past my defenses? Before, I was happy flirting and such online.. I didn't care for a real relationship.. Not completely, at least... Is it odd that whenever my thoughts turn to not being alone, they turn to her before anyone else? Obsessive much? Yea, I agree, and I don't know why... But anyways, everything I watch/read contains relationships, happiness.. And here I am, looking at that crap alone... I used to say I was destined to be alone.. That I was meant to die by myself.. I used to say that my 'objective' for being on this planet was to assist others, to help them find the happiness they desire.. If this is so, why am I still here? All of that ended, right? No, I think my teenage mind at the time came up with what alot of other depressed teens thought of.. I just... I don't know... Perhaps I watch too much TV and crap.. I always dream of that perfect relationship that just hits you out of the blue... Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with Emily? Maybe because of how we met was just so much like fate? *Sighs* Anyways, I'm tired, so that's all for tonight... Know anyone in the area that needs someone to care about her? If so, I'd be willing to try... Goodnight everyone, good luck with your goals. - Birdy Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: Seether - Fine Again | | Thursday, September 20th, 2007 | | 7:51 pm |
What to say?
Well, I'm already tired of people... where to begin? The Temps that were sent to work at our warehouse of fucking idiotic fools who goof off more than work, and they do nothing but screw up... And I've been stuck working with them all week.. Now that pisses me off to no end... What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm not a supervisor or manager, I can't tell them to get their fucking act together. On top of that.. I'm sick of people in general.. Humans are blind and idiotic.. What more can be said about that? Whatever. I've had enough... - Birdy Current Mood: irritated | | Tuesday, September 11th, 2007 | | 5:00 pm |
Hmmmm
Well, it was a rough day today because half of it was spent sucking up giant pools of water with a shop-vac.. That were INSIDE the warehouse... good god.... But that's not too bad.. Amanda is feeling sickly today, as is her roommate Becky.. And I feel bad, I'd like to be there to take care of her, but meh, I can't be.. *sighs* Oh well.. Nothing I can do about that, right? Anyways, not a helluva lot to say here... Worried about my friend... but yea... Anyways, I'm out - Birdy | | 4:59 pm |
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Minimal: You would most likely not get caught, but if you did, it would be due to technological developments arising after the case had gone cold. |
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| from QuizGalaxy.com |
| | Saturday, September 8th, 2007 | | 7:31 pm |
An Angel?
Wow... I'm actually surprised.... I met a girl, that just seems perfect for me.. She's an English Major. She's highly intelligent, so there is superb conversations.. She has a beautiful voice, a lovely laugh. a wonderful personality, and a pure soul. So yea, I suppose there isn't too much to say on the subject... She lives in Pennsylvania, so that sucks... Oh well! I enjoy talking to her, I enjoy just opening up and being myself with her.. It's great. There aren't too many people that can fully accept me.. I've even told her about my Empathy, and my 'feelings' when things go wrong... And.. I don't even Feel like anything is going to go wrong this time... Anyways, that's all I wanted to write at this time.. I hope you all had a good weekend.. Oh! And a good summer.. Although no one reads this, I swear... - Birdy Current Mood: giddy | | Saturday, August 18th, 2007 | | 12:08 pm |
Time for Change
Well, yesterday when I got out of work, Jordan and Franklyn were waiting for me and Mark.. I guess Jordan randomly abducted Franklyn from his house and decided we were gonna hang out all day and take a mini road trip.. And we did.. We went off to Bennington to have KFC/Taco Bell (Best restaurant combo EVER). After that, we drove around and ended up on the same road that I always took to get to Kurn Hatten Homes. For those that don't keep up with my life, that was the private school I went to for the three years of middle school. Then we turned back and started heading home, and I told them I was thinking about joining the military for a while (which I have, since I got outta High School). Then we went to play pool, and after that, headed out to the reservoir and talked while being sprawled out on the grass... The four of us have decided to get healthy, and get in shape.. For our own various reasons. We talked about it for a good while, and started ourselves on the right path.. We threw out all the leftovers from our meal. I even threw out my pack of cloves, which I had smoked only 3 of! My Horoscope was so right that day... "You'll go to spend money on something you don't really want, Put the Wallet Away!" I didn't listen... lol! Next paycheck I'm going to go buy a bicycle, and we're gonna start biking to get into shape. I started with it when I woke up. Well, here's a list of things I want to do, and what I've done so far. - Eat Healthy - Threw out leftovers - Ate a bowl of cottage cheese for breakfast (only thing healthy in the house, lol) - Bought green beans, baby carrots, grapes, and jug of water. - Exercise - Went out walking today - Stop bad habits - Threw out my cigarettes I know, it's a short list right now, but still... I also intend to get more healthy food, get out of the house more often, and no drinking, etc. Well, that's all for now, I still have a lot to accomplish, and I'll be trying to stick with it! - Birdy Current Mood: hopeful | | Thursday, August 16th, 2007 | | 4:56 pm |
Things are turning that way...
I'm... Tired.. Tired of the way my life is going, I really am... I.. I've been thinking.. I hate my life where it is.. I hate this town.. I hate everything about my life... I've started to get fat, and it bothers me.. I don't like it one bit... And.. I feel so useless here... I've been thinking for a while now about joining the army.. But.. *sighs* How can I? My mother would do everything to keep me from it... She would be worried to death, I know she would be... *sighs* What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I have no path.. No purpose in life.. I don't want to be alive.. I don't want to be here.. I want to feel useful... I want to feel cared for.. But, ya know, whatever... *sighs* - Birdy Current Mood: depressed | | Friday, July 6th, 2007 | | 9:43 pm |
Emotion Test
| Your dominant emotion is LOVE |
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| Your dominant emotion is Love. You tend to always find the best in people and give all people the benefit of the doubt. You love your friends and family and they are what drive you. |
| Take this quiz at QuizHeaven.com |
Ironic, Huh? | | 9:17 pm |
Thoughts...
Depression. Supposedly a chemical Imbalance within the body.. But here's the question.. does the 'chemical imbalance' cause the thoughts that remind you of everything bad in your life, or is it the bad things in your life that bring on this 'chemical imbalance?' Do the doctors even know, or do they just make this shit up.. I understand why Anti-Depressants work.. That's simple.. They increase your body's production of the chemical that makes you happy.. Do I know the name of it? No. I get a laugh about the commercials that talk about depression and discuss how it makes someone feel like their job isn't good.. But here's another question.. If you hate the aspects of your job, is it because of depression? Or because you truly can't stand certain factors of your life. Once again, I bet doctor's can't answer it... For me, Depression is descending.. And it isn't because of depression that I dislike my job.. I honestly hate it.. I get paid minimum wage for a shitty, manual labor job that I've worked for years.. I used to get a 10 cent raise every year, but when minimum wage goes up, they don't scale their checks.. Fucking assholes... So, I make just as much as those that started this year.. What the fuck? But whatever.. I guess they're used to screwing people over.. *sighs* Anything to save a dime, right? Dicks. I also work with some good looking girls.. Girls that would never get involved with me... I Feel one would if I tried to interest her enough... Ret.. The boss's daughter.. So right there, I can't let my interest fully show.. At least not at work. And.. I'm tired of being alone.. Sadly, I want a relationship again.. I hate myself for thinking it.. But I really do.. *sighs* I'm tired of being alone.. Tired of having no one here with me at times like this when I want company - and not the company of friends - so what do I do? absolutely nothing, right? *sighs* I won't get a girlfriend cuz I don't trust females enough after some of the BS I've been through... Is that wrong of me? I know some of you will say it is.. But that's how I see it, Honestly... And.. And.. I just want to feel loved.. I just want to know someone cares for me more than 'just a friend'. *Double Le Sigh* I guess I'm just rambling to no one.. I know all of you stopped really using this, at least.. My RL friends have.. As well as some of the distant ones.. Oh well, I'm rambling to myself.. Big surprise there... Anyways, I gotta work in the morning, then a picnic at Debbie's... Ima go have a smoke then go to bed.. - Birdy | | Thursday, June 28th, 2007 | | 5:35 pm |
An Update!
Hmmm.. Let's see, Started working back at Cascades on Monday. And I'm a little irritated the one of the people that were there before (new to the warehouse, but it seems not new to Cascades) seems to think I'm new there... Those are the type of people I just want to smack. It's been hard going due to my feet not used to it yet... Lemme see... *sighs* not a lot to talk about.. My life simply sucks.. What is there to talk about *chuckles sadly* Yea, maybe I'll have something to say when I have money to do stuff... I want someone here to relax with.. I want someone to cuddle up with and feel wanted by.. *sighs* I hate my life.. - Birdy | | 5:11 pm |
Through Glass - Stone Sour
Through Glass - Stone SourI'm looking at you through the glass. Don't know how much time has passed. Oh god, It feels like forever, but no one ever tells you, That forever feels like home when you're sitting all alone, Inside your head! Cause I'm looking at you through the glass, Don't know how much time has passed. All I know is that it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you, That forever feels like home, sitting all alone, Inside your head! How do you feel? That is the question... But I forget you don't expect an easy answer. When something like a soul becomes initialized and folded up, Like paper dolls and little notes, you can't expect a bit of hope. So while you're outside looking in, describing what you see, Remember what you're staring at is me! Cause I'm looking at you through the glass, Don't know how much time has passed. All I know is that it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you, That forever feels like home, sitting all alone, Inside your head! How much is real? So much to question. An epidemic of the mannequins contaminating everything We thought came from the heart, but never did right from the start. Just listen to the noises - null and void instead of voices, Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene, Remember it's just different from what you've seen! I'm looking at you through the glass. Don't know how much time has passed. All I know is that it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you, That forever feels like home, sitting all alone, Inside your head! Cause I'm looking at you through the glass. Don't know how much time has passed. All I know is that it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you, That forever feels like home, sitting all alone, Inside your head! And it's the stars, The stars that shine for you! And it's the stars, The stars that lie to you! And it's the stars, The stars that shine for you! And it's the stars, The stars that lie to you! I'm looking at you through the glass, Don't know how much time has passed. Oh god, it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you, That forever feels like home, sitting all alone, Inside your head! Cause I'm looking at you through the glass. Don't know how much time has passed. All I know is that it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you, That forever feels like home, sitting all alone, Inside your head! And it's the stars, The stars that shine for you! And it's the stars, The stars that lie to you! And it's the stars, The stars that shine for you! And it's the stars, The stars that lie to you! | | Sunday, June 3rd, 2007 | | 12:12 am |
My Sister's Wedding
For those that read.. (1? 2? none?) Tonight (or Saturday) was my sister's wedding.. It was superb, it was wonderful.. It was great and went according to plan! Everything was beautiful, everything was perfect.. Everything made Debbie and Chad happy.. I'm happy for them. I'm glad.. I really am. I did my best (and succeeded) to keep a smile on my face, and have my sister seeing me enjoying myself. I made sure my sister didn't worry that her little brother was miserable... But I was... *Sighs* I don't want you to all think I hate my sister for her happiness.. Hardly... Don't believe me, remember one of the things I have said numerous times before (If not in this journal, then to my friends) "I am happy when my friends and family are happy." In other words, I feel... 'accomplished'.. 'satisfied'.. 'successful'... if the people I care about are happy and enjoying themselves.. After all, tonight wasn't about me, nor did I try to make it in the slightest about me... I made sure that I always had a smile on my face when people I cared about were looking at me. I socialized with people I dislike, and I dealt with drunks.. All for my sister... All for her happiness... So, I wish to vent and complain a little.. If you'll indulge me... I, personally, was miserable.. First, I hate tuxedos.. I hate dress clothes completely (dressed up tonight and the rehearsal at my sister's request). I hate being the 'single' guy.. Let's face it, even if I was in the wedding party, I was there because I was Debbie's Brother.. I wasn't one of the Guys.. I wasn't one of Chad's close friend's.. Hell, I barely knew his friends.. I didn't have anyone to dance with.. And you all know me, going up to a stranger and asking them to dance isn't my style.. I danced once when the photographer wanted pictures of the wedding party dancing with their 'partner' (The one we walked down the aisle with). So, I danced with Chad's sister, once. They.. played a few songs that reminded me of people.. I just excused myself and stepped outside and moved away from the building so as not to hear it.. And then I cried. Once the song ended, I would wipe my eyes and head inside. Then I would smile, laugh, look like I was having fun.. And be miserable. I wish I had someone there with me.. I wish I had someone that would've danced with me, talked with me.. Someone to have a good time with.. Instead, I had myself.. I had some drinks.. They numbed the pain some.. But there is no end to the pain, is there? Of course there isn't... I hate it.. I hate everything about my life.. I.. I just wish there was more to my life.. I wish people didn't need me around... I wish I could be gone from this town, this world... Anyways, tomorrow (Today) is June 3rd.. Not many people who know me understand how significant that date is to me... Not many people understand how close to my heart I hold that day... Either way, for those who do understand it.. *sighs*.. I don't know... There's too much on my mind.. God.. It's time for me to to curl up and be miserable.. Very soon... "Why, Oh why... Why do I feel this pain? This excruciating pain that will never go away while I live" - Birdy | | Friday, May 25th, 2007 | | 3:44 am |
*sighs*
Worthless... I'm worthless.. Why can't I be dead? Why can't I be worth the life I own.. I don't understand it.. I just don't! Here I am, a man who can Feel the emotions of others.. I can look at any situation and see the answer.. I have such great insight on why people do the things they do.. I can even seen when things are gonna go bad.. And yet.. And yet, I cannot understand my emotions, I cannot see a clear answer to my problems.. And well.. I have no insight for what I do.. Except this: I'm Worthless. I do things because I know I'll fail at them.. I don't get involved in relationships because they'll fail.. I don't get close to people because I'll get hurt.. I don't fight to make my own life better because I fear the loneliness as well as the chance of another failure. I don't try to move forward, I want to move back... I look back every day and wish I could be back in that time.. Things I so badly regret.. And there's nothing I can do about it.. I cannot change who I am, no matter how much I struggle.. No matter how much I try. *sighs* I give up.. Well, I want to, but I can't.. People depend on me.. I think I'll go cry myself to sleep now.. - Birdy Current Mood: lonely | | Thursday, May 24th, 2007 | | 12:05 pm |
Dreams that leave you aching...
Dreams... They can be wonderful things, or they can be painful things.. Last night, I dreamed that someone I cared about was taken hostage, and put in a warehouse on a small, deserted island. It wasn't like she was the target (or maybe she was, who knows), but I was still there with the Secret Agent (not Mark) that was going to rescue her... And to make it short, we did.. There were guards, but they had tired of helping the terrorist, so they helped us by giving us information.. And she came up to and asked "If I asked you to come back alive, would you care." Me being an idiot said "I'll think about it." We checked the warehouse and a few other things, and as we were going to leave, I saw her leaving through a door, so I went and followed her, only to see her go through another door, and I kept following.. I caught up to her just as she was entering a bathroom and wrapped my arms around her from behind and said "I promise I'll return alive, just because of you." Then I woke up... yea, dreams fucking suck.. They remind you of what you don't have.. What you want and can't really see yourself getting ever again.. I hate dreams. | | Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007 | | 6:40 pm |
Suicide is looking like such a great option...
*sighs* Yes, the truth is in the title... Suicide is looking like such a GREAT option for my life... My mother is likely to be transported from Pittsfield to Boston some time soon. Which means that the money that pays the rent, bills, etc... Won't be there.. Which means, I get to pay all that when I work... Which means until I figure out how much will be spent in such ways.. There will be no 'entertainment' portion of my life... I'll be working, and doing nothing... Pretty much... My life will be utterly miserable... Oh Joy... Like I didn't hate my life enough already... I'll have to support myself and my father... I kept saying 'things are going to get worse' and of course, I was right... I just.. I just.. *sighs* I just want my own life. I want to be happy. I want to be free... I'm tired of living in what I consider a closet. I'm tired of being stuck home watching a dog. I'm tired of everything my life encompasses... I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT ALL!And I can think of only one way out of it. Suicide.. The way I will never take.. The path I will never walk... Yet, the path that calls for me.. Cries my name... The path that leaves me happy. No, this isn't a suicide note... I couldn't do that to my family and friends.. God, I'd like to... But I can't. So here I am, twenty two years old, and it looks like I'm going to be the primary 'bread-maker' in my house.. Oh Fucking Joy! Well, I knew my life was destined to be miserable.. Thanks to those that didn't believe it. I pro'lly won't eat much today.. I'd rather make sure my father and the dog did before I do.. Perhaps a yogurt and a slim-fast bar that my mother had bought before she went to the hospital.. We'll see... - Birdy Current Mood: depressed | | Sunday, May 20th, 2007 | | 7:13 pm |
| | 7:04 pm |
*Sighs*
So, the question of the day is... How do you get two people past a situation.. that isn't your problem to solve? Yes, I'm in that predicament. And, well, I intend to solve the problem because it's irritating me to no fucking end... I wish.. I wish people would grow up, get over themselves, and get a real fucking life. Will they? Nope. Why? Because they feel their life is shit, and they've accepted that instead of fighting it.. But, I guess a reality BITCH SLAP is what's needed.. And of course, I'll be the one to deliver it.. With help.. Of Course. We'll see how things go... On a personal basis, my right leg has been hurting for days, Mom is up in the hospital, and they're trying to keep her there for an extended period of time.. My sister's wedding is in like 2 weeks... *sighs* I still haven't been called back into Cascades.. I hate life.. I want out of this town.. I want out of this home, out of this family... But it won't happen.. I love my family too much.. And.. And I can't just leave my mother and father.. Mother needs me for support, and father needs me help when Mom isn't home, and when she's having a hard time.. like when she needs to be watched... But, what the fuck? I'm pretty much STUCK here when Mom isn't home because dad wants to go out and do this or that... all weekend... I only get out at night for a few hours before I give it up.. *shrugs* Perhaps my fate ties me here... Just like my fate ties me to helping people, to solving problems, to making sure others don't get hurt.. To try and comfort such pain.. If I believed in God.. If I was a Christian, I'd say I should be put up for fucking Sainthood... But I hate Christians, they're so.. One dimensional. Anyways, I'm out.. *sighs* ~~I don't get Christians at all! One came up to me today and said "Have you found God?" My reply? "I didn't know the old bastard was lost!"~~ - Birdy Current Mood: frustratedCurrent Music: Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had | | Saturday, March 24th, 2007 | | 1:43 am |
Good Charlotte - Say Anything
Say AnythingHere I am on, The phone again and, Awkward silence is, On the other end. I used to know the sound, Of a smile in your voice. But right now (But right now), All I feel (All I feel), Is the pain of the fighting, Starting up again! All the things we talk about, You know they stay on my mind! On my mind. All the things we laugh about, They'll bring us through it every time! After time! After time! Don't say a word! I know you feel the same! Just give me a sign! Say anything! Say anything! Please don't walk away! I know you want to stay! Just give me a sign! Say anything! Say anything! Some say that, Time changes. Best friends can, Become strangers. But I don't want that. No, Not for you. If you just stay with me, We can make it through! So here we are again! Same old argument! And now I'm wondering, If things will ever change. When will you laugh again? Laugh like you did back when, We made noise 'til 3am, And the neighbors would complain! All the things we talk about, You know they stay on my mind! On my mind. All the things we laugh about, They'll bring us through it every time! After time! After time! Don't say a word! I know you feel the same! Just give me a sign! Say anything! Say anything! Please don't walk away! I know you want to stay! Just give me a sign! Say anything! Say anything! I'm falling. I'm falling. I'm falling, down. I'm falling. I'm falling. I'm falling, down. Down! Down! DOWN! Don't say a word! I know you feel the same! Just give me a sign! Say anything! Say anything! Please don't walk away! I know you want to stay! Just give me a sign! Say anything! Say anything! Please! (Please don't say a word I know you feel the same) Don't leave! (Just give me a sign) Say anything! Say anything! Please! (Don't walk away I know you want to stay) Don't leave! (Just give me a sign) Say anything! Say anything! | | Saturday, March 10th, 2007 | | 8:21 pm |
Very Irritated right now (yes, it's a rant)
So, let's see, started out the day by doing normal things for me.. Wake up, step outside my room, and take the dog out. Then yell at my mother for doing something that will hurt her back even more. Returned to my room, left the door open and began to read. Listened to my mother talk to me about anything that came to her mind.. So, at around one in the afternoon I got a hold of people to say 'hey! let's hang out!' Sure, sure.. In an hour. I wasn't called back until around 4 when they were outside. And by then, I was pissed enough where I almost didn't go out.. But I decided that since they were outside, I would go. So what do we do? Ah yes, go over our other friend's house, which is filthy, and has a dog that shits where ever, AND HE DOESN'T CARE. Why? Because he's wrapped up in fucking World of Warcraft. So, I figured, the THREE of us that weren't overly obsessed could hang out, was just chilling for a little bit in the back room where my friend was on the computer, when I went out into the living room, one of my friends was playing a one player game. Okay, whatever, I'd wait for the other to come out.. Little while later, go back.. He's on the other computer, playing WoW... Fuck this, I go for a walk... Come back, nothing has changed... Except on the walk, I thought about stuff and decided.. I decided that it would have been fucking BETTER if I had died in the car accident that Emily, Mark, and I were in... Why? BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE DIED HAPPY!! So nothing changed, and finally I had my friend brought home. No one fucking cared... Now, why, oh fucking WHY did I go hang out when I could do the same fucking things I did there at HOME where I have access to whatever the FUCK I WANT!?!?! I'll tell you why. Because I wanted to be social. I wanted to do things with my friends... Now, I'll wait until I get a call from one of them asking me what is wrong, and when I explain they tell me I play games too. I'll throw it in their face that whenever the chance to hang out comes, I drop whatever I'm doing IF I CAN, and go hang out. I've left many groups and logged off with some lie about why I did it so I could go hang out with my friends... But apparently, they don't give two fucks about actually doing something together. Oh yes.. For those that didn't know, My laptop is fucked up.. Has been for about a week, the guy came a few days ago and told me that what they thought was wrong, WASN'T IT! So right now, I'm using a laptop that isn't fully repaired. OH THE FUCK WELL! Oh yes, I haven't heard about Jason recently, so I have no idea what's going on there. I haven't heard from Emily, so I don't know how she's doing.. My mother might have cancer.. Fucking great.. We found an apartment, yay us. Ummm.. Tommorrow I go to get fitted for my tux for my sister's wedding.. Woohoo. Oh yes, AND I'M STILL IN A PISSED OFF MOOD. I'm out. Bye - Birdy Current Mood: pissed off | | Wednesday, February 28th, 2007 | | 6:33 pm |
You'll die in a Car Accident.
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You are very sociable, talking on your cell when you should be paying attention to the road. Sadly, cell phones will claim yet another life...
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| 'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com |
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